The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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