once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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