i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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