What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
