god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
