I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
