Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
