She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just found a bag of teeth...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
