It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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