As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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