I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize