I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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