Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
