I just threw up on my dentist
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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