Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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