Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I could make wine with my vomit
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
