Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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