He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize