Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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