I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
