and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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