are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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