No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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