bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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