Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize