so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
