it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
