I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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