Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
