I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
