Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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