She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Still dying that you shit outside
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
