6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
