I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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