You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
