My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize