whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize