I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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