highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
third nipple confirmed
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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