the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
