Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize