good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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