You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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