I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
