Jerry, you need to find god
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize