I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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