Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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