so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize