Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
