I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
