sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
