She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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