I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
