Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize