i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
