I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize