help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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