Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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