I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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