Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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